harsh

tonight my mom was talking about how she's ready to downsize from her house to an apartment or something smaller. she said she knows my brother and i don't think she'd be happy there.

i'm a jerk because without thinking, i replied, "you've never been happy with any place you've lived. why would that change now?"

and i think that's my fear. i fall into the american habit of always wishing for one more thing or focusing so much on what i want to or fear will happen next that i miss everything right in front of me.

the best days of my life so far hopefully felt like that in the moment. i really want to appreciate what i have when i have it instead of after it's gone.

this weekend is the first weekend i've been homesick for the des moines area. there were a few events going on down there that i wanted to go to. and i miss having friends that are close. i know this funk will pass but i'm pretty miserable at the moment. hopefully a visit from my brother will help. the newness of this new life is wearing off. and people are calling or posting to facebook from the old place.

i have no desire to visit the town i moved from. there were great people there, but all of that has been eclipsed by this dark, angry & bitter cloud. leaving was good and needed, but hard.

today was the first day i wondered if i am where i want to be. i do know i am where i need to be. i suppose there's some consolation in that.