things i realize i'm going to appreciate about being back in this town:
1.) running into my favorite high school teacher at the store.
2.) FAMILY TABLE!
3.) the familiar site of the water tower... silly?
4.) the sound of the train going through.
this weekend is for anticipation. next monday is for finishing up. this move was the right move to make even though i'm surprised at how long and difficult it feels as though it's been. i remind myself: you lived there like a slob for 5 years. why did you think moving out would go so quickly?
(thanks to the random neighbor with unprotected wireless. i might use you for a few weeks then i'll get my own. promise.)
Friday, March 26, 2010
THERE WAS A RACCOON!!!
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This morning has not started as planned. I told my mom last night that I would try to leave by 10. It is 10 right now and of course I'm not ready to leave. I slept in later than I intended (7 instead of 5:30) and looking at all that I have left, I know I'm being optimistic when I predict 3 p.m. as my final departure time.
But here's what really threw me: there was a raccoon in my stairwell!
Let that sink in. I opened the top door and discovered the door at the bottom was wide open. I must not have closed it all the way after leaving last night. (The top door was closed though.) Ugh. Anyway, I went out the top door this morning and came face to face with a RACCOON. I chased him down the stairs and outside which I know freaked him out.
I just watched them corral him/her. The raccoon will be released out in nature somewhere. I'm still freaking out. Not good to have an hour or so taken out of a busy day. This is a metaphor for something I'm sure.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
on leaving
Leaving a church to go work at another church feels like a breakup. I lost count of how many people said "We'll still be friends. We've got facebook." The intentions are sweet, but some sort of disengagement is necessary in order to be open and free to fall in place with another congregation.
Just now while packing up some more things, I've been texting back and forth with one of the youth I'm leaving behind. She is one of the kids I got closest to and while I'm incredibly curious about the changes made to the youth program, I also wonder if it would be better not to know.
I owned that program. I let the youth have some say in how things went but when it came down to policies and limits, everything was pretty much my decision. While it was a gradual taking over control, the loss of that control is so sudden. It's very weird to still be in town and to be receiving text messages from a few blocks away.
That's part of the flaw in this poorly executed move. I'd like to think if I could go back and re-do the last few weeks, I'd have packed and prepped to leave so I could be out the door on that last day. Realistically, though, that wouldn't have been possible. I needed my energy for goodbyes. My energy is dwindling now. Which is not great. I still have several boxes and mucho cleaning to get done before tomorrow around noon.
The thing I keep reminding myself is that the ministry I did in this town was never my ministry. Many in the congregation and even the leaders fed into my ownership of it, but it went too far. The youth ministry became synonymous with Sara. And that led to me forcing my vision on the programming. Some good came out of it-- don't read this as all negative. But it will be interesting to see how the church continues to reach out to the community youth. I truly hope they learned something from the past few years, too. I pray that their next youth worker doesn't end up burnt out from being the sole consistent person in the lives of the youth.
I see a tendency for churches to fall into the trap where they consider financial capability as the key to determine if they can afford a full time youth worker. I wish they would look beyond that at spiritual and volunteer resources, too. When a congregation is primarily made up of an older generation, it's really hard to develop a volunteer base that can meet with kids during the kids' free time.
I know that in my next position, I'm going to seek the vision of the congregation. I'm going to remind them and remind myself constantly that I'm there to equip, aid and direct. Yes, I will be an active participant but the team aspect is essential.
Oh, growth... why do you come so much better from hurt and pain?
Just now while packing up some more things, I've been texting back and forth with one of the youth I'm leaving behind. She is one of the kids I got closest to and while I'm incredibly curious about the changes made to the youth program, I also wonder if it would be better not to know.
I owned that program. I let the youth have some say in how things went but when it came down to policies and limits, everything was pretty much my decision. While it was a gradual taking over control, the loss of that control is so sudden. It's very weird to still be in town and to be receiving text messages from a few blocks away.
That's part of the flaw in this poorly executed move. I'd like to think if I could go back and re-do the last few weeks, I'd have packed and prepped to leave so I could be out the door on that last day. Realistically, though, that wouldn't have been possible. I needed my energy for goodbyes. My energy is dwindling now. Which is not great. I still have several boxes and mucho cleaning to get done before tomorrow around noon.
The thing I keep reminding myself is that the ministry I did in this town was never my ministry. Many in the congregation and even the leaders fed into my ownership of it, but it went too far. The youth ministry became synonymous with Sara. And that led to me forcing my vision on the programming. Some good came out of it-- don't read this as all negative. But it will be interesting to see how the church continues to reach out to the community youth. I truly hope they learned something from the past few years, too. I pray that their next youth worker doesn't end up burnt out from being the sole consistent person in the lives of the youth.
I see a tendency for churches to fall into the trap where they consider financial capability as the key to determine if they can afford a full time youth worker. I wish they would look beyond that at spiritual and volunteer resources, too. When a congregation is primarily made up of an older generation, it's really hard to develop a volunteer base that can meet with kids during the kids' free time.
I know that in my next position, I'm going to seek the vision of the congregation. I'm going to remind them and remind myself constantly that I'm there to equip, aid and direct. Yes, I will be an active participant but the team aspect is essential.
Oh, growth... why do you come so much better from hurt and pain?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
starting over... sorta
When I was in 4th grade I remember thinking that a good day was one where I remembered to zip my coat, wore chapstick so my lips wouldn't be dry, had a good hair day and well-painted fingernails. That was my idea of having it all together.
At 30, I don't have as concrete an idea of how I want to present myself to the world. I do know I'm tired of pretenses. I want to be authentic, I want to have integrity and I want to live a lifestyle of hospitality. The past few years I've failed at this.
The apartment I'm currently working on packing up and cleaning out has been a fortress of solitude and a shrine for excessive consumerism. I built this persona of openness but was terrified that anyone would actually get up the stairs and through the door. I have been a mess both in living space and brain structure.
I have been selfish in sharing my living space with friends and the community. I have been lazy when it comes to housekeeping-- and not in a "oh, I didn't put my shoes neatly by the door" but in major ways. Television became the main source of my entertainment. I let facebook take the place of quality friendships with face to face contact. I justified my hermit ways with words like introvert, recharge and sabbath but didn't actually use time alone for any sort of renewal.
This blog is my attempt to re-embrace life. My brother told me the 30s are the new 20s. I'm not sure if that's true, but I do know that if this decade is going to be memorable in the good way, it's time for some drastic changes in lifestyle. This move is both real and symbolic. I don't need a do-over because I've learned a lot from everything that has brought me to this moment. And finally, there is hope again.
But now, back to apartment cleaning. I'm trying not to be mad at old me but new me is very annoyed that I'm still here cleaning instead of being settled into the little house in my new town.
At 30, I don't have as concrete an idea of how I want to present myself to the world. I do know I'm tired of pretenses. I want to be authentic, I want to have integrity and I want to live a lifestyle of hospitality. The past few years I've failed at this.
The apartment I'm currently working on packing up and cleaning out has been a fortress of solitude and a shrine for excessive consumerism. I built this persona of openness but was terrified that anyone would actually get up the stairs and through the door. I have been a mess both in living space and brain structure.
I have been selfish in sharing my living space with friends and the community. I have been lazy when it comes to housekeeping-- and not in a "oh, I didn't put my shoes neatly by the door" but in major ways. Television became the main source of my entertainment. I let facebook take the place of quality friendships with face to face contact. I justified my hermit ways with words like introvert, recharge and sabbath but didn't actually use time alone for any sort of renewal.
This blog is my attempt to re-embrace life. My brother told me the 30s are the new 20s. I'm not sure if that's true, but I do know that if this decade is going to be memorable in the good way, it's time for some drastic changes in lifestyle. This move is both real and symbolic. I don't need a do-over because I've learned a lot from everything that has brought me to this moment. And finally, there is hope again.
But now, back to apartment cleaning. I'm trying not to be mad at old me but new me is very annoyed that I'm still here cleaning instead of being settled into the little house in my new town.
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