When I was in 4th grade I remember thinking that a good day was one where I remembered to zip my coat, wore chapstick so my lips wouldn't be dry, had a good hair day and well-painted fingernails. That was my idea of having it all together.
At 30, I don't have as concrete an idea of how I want to present myself to the world. I do know I'm tired of pretenses. I want to be authentic, I want to have integrity and I want to live a lifestyle of hospitality. The past few years I've failed at this.
The apartment I'm currently working on packing up and cleaning out has been a fortress of solitude and a shrine for excessive consumerism. I built this persona of openness but was terrified that anyone would actually get up the stairs and through the door. I have been a mess both in living space and brain structure.
I have been selfish in sharing my living space with friends and the community. I have been lazy when it comes to housekeeping-- and not in a "oh, I didn't put my shoes neatly by the door" but in major ways. Television became the main source of my entertainment. I let facebook take the place of quality friendships with face to face contact. I justified my hermit ways with words like introvert, recharge and sabbath but didn't actually use time alone for any sort of renewal.
This blog is my attempt to re-embrace life. My brother told me the 30s are the new 20s. I'm not sure if that's true, but I do know that if this decade is going to be memorable in the good way, it's time for some drastic changes in lifestyle. This move is both real and symbolic. I don't need a do-over because I've learned a lot from everything that has brought me to this moment. And finally, there is hope again.
But now, back to apartment cleaning. I'm trying not to be mad at old me but new me is very annoyed that I'm still here cleaning instead of being settled into the little house in my new town.
No comments:
Post a Comment