This morning I got back to the gym. I did my usual weight lifting stuff and speed walked a mile or so. I was surprised when I stepped on the scale that the last couple days of little attention to diet and even less activity didn't pack on pounds. Tomorrow I'm going to try a run around the park. Now that I know for sure that it's 1.3 miles I can wrap my mind around running that distance all at once.
I wrote this in my journal the other night:
I tend to use the consequences of previous poor decisions as excuses for not making better decisions right now. I need to get over that.
Anyway, I've lost about 33 pounds since April. I'm setting my sights on another 25 by January. So back to the grind. Nobody's going to steal my shine. :)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
decision
this mood is over. tomorrow it's back to being hardcore. i'm not going to promise cheerful, but i am going to promise that i'm done with clever excuses for at least a 24 hour period. i need to get back on an endorphin rush.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
post race let down
So I ran/walked the 5k. :) And it was different from how I pictured it. Leading up to the race, I let a bad couple of days turn into a bad week and a half. I knew I wasn't ready to run all of it-- I had mustered up enough to run a mile without stopping to walk followed by another mile with intermittent walking. Anyway, going in, I knew I couldn't run the entire 5k.
I was nervous about how different it would be running with other people. Usually when I work out, it's me and lenny the ipod. I didn't take lenny on the 5k because my friend Laura was there. She's a community sort of runner (meaning she prefers to run with a partner.)
When the race started, I was caught off guard. It was cold, dreary and a little drizzly. There was no gunshot or anything, just all of a sudden people were running so we started to run, too. And it turns out those other people run a heck of a lot faster than I do on my own.
Laura was awesome through it. She was encouraging and willing to go at my pace. She walked when I said I needed to walk. She was the right amount of chatty. She was the perfect running partner.
But I let having a running partner get to me. She is in way better shape than I am and most of the run, I was very aware of holding her back. At the beginning, I ran faster and further than I wanted and then had to compensate for the rest of the run by feeling too winded too early. Not having music and not knowing the route made it harder for me, too. I had no idea how far we'd gone or how many minutes we'd spent running.
At the gym, I've been running about a 14 minute mile. I know that's not super speedy by any means but for going from nothing to trying to run, I will own my 14 minutes. This 5k last Saturday was over in 45:20. Considering I think we walked about 1/3 of it, I feel like we ran faster and walked faster than I would have on my own. That's not a bad thing. It was good to be pushed.
The run was for a good cause. I don't think I hyped Katie's Crusaders enough. I'll find the link to her site in a bit and explain it in a later blog. That part was hugely touching.
So yeah. The run was good, just different from how I'd pictured it in my head. It was a good practice 5k. I'm going to shoot for another one and work harder, running outside so I can get used to how different it feels to run without climate control.
This week, though, I'm a slacker. I'm taking it easy and trying to focus on setting some new goals.
Coincidentally, I just sort of feel blah about everything. This whole "now what?" feeling has sunk in and the newness of a different job, house, community and life is not really as charming anymore. It could just be that I'm in a funk tonight. That's probably it. I'll see if a day or two makes a difference.
I was nervous about how different it would be running with other people. Usually when I work out, it's me and lenny the ipod. I didn't take lenny on the 5k because my friend Laura was there. She's a community sort of runner (meaning she prefers to run with a partner.)
When the race started, I was caught off guard. It was cold, dreary and a little drizzly. There was no gunshot or anything, just all of a sudden people were running so we started to run, too. And it turns out those other people run a heck of a lot faster than I do on my own.
Laura was awesome through it. She was encouraging and willing to go at my pace. She walked when I said I needed to walk. She was the right amount of chatty. She was the perfect running partner.
But I let having a running partner get to me. She is in way better shape than I am and most of the run, I was very aware of holding her back. At the beginning, I ran faster and further than I wanted and then had to compensate for the rest of the run by feeling too winded too early. Not having music and not knowing the route made it harder for me, too. I had no idea how far we'd gone or how many minutes we'd spent running.
At the gym, I've been running about a 14 minute mile. I know that's not super speedy by any means but for going from nothing to trying to run, I will own my 14 minutes. This 5k last Saturday was over in 45:20. Considering I think we walked about 1/3 of it, I feel like we ran faster and walked faster than I would have on my own. That's not a bad thing. It was good to be pushed.
The run was for a good cause. I don't think I hyped Katie's Crusaders enough. I'll find the link to her site in a bit and explain it in a later blog. That part was hugely touching.
So yeah. The run was good, just different from how I'd pictured it in my head. It was a good practice 5k. I'm going to shoot for another one and work harder, running outside so I can get used to how different it feels to run without climate control.
This week, though, I'm a slacker. I'm taking it easy and trying to focus on setting some new goals.
Coincidentally, I just sort of feel blah about everything. This whole "now what?" feeling has sunk in and the newness of a different job, house, community and life is not really as charming anymore. It could just be that I'm in a funk tonight. That's probably it. I'll see if a day or two makes a difference.
Monday, September 13, 2010
consistency
I'm not a consistent blogger. I'm not a consistent dishwasher. I certainly am not consistent when it comes to doing daily devotions or taking out the trash or grocery shopping. I find comfort in routines, but lately my routines have been counterproductive to health.
I'd love to make some grand announcement like THIS WILL CHANGE AND HERE IS MY PLAN. But I'm a human and not consistent with much of anything.
For the past 3 months, I have been consistent with exercise and with lifting weights. And then I went to Minneapolis for a weekend and threw my schedule even more out of wack. I knew I might get off track if I skipped a day.
I didn't think I would end up skipping 8 days. But I did. And I'm trying to move away from that and get back into a better rhythm. And it's almost as hard as it was back in April. Almost.
Here's the success, though: I feel better when I exercise. Running gives me a high. I've gone from celebrating one lap around the indoor track (1/8 of a mile! woohoo!) to celebrating 16 laps around that same track. TWO MILES. And I signed up for a 5k a couple months ago, laughing at the absurdity but this Saturday, I'll do it.
With my ill-timed week off, I'm doubting my ability to run all 3 miles of the race. Laura said she's not sure she can run all of it either. But we will try. And my goal is not to leave anything out there in that park. I'm going to do all that I can to finish as strong as I can. If I walk part, I walk part. That just means I'll have to try another one.
Anyway. It's RACE WEEK. And I need to shake a funk and celebrate that I've come this far.
I'd love to make some grand announcement like THIS WILL CHANGE AND HERE IS MY PLAN. But I'm a human and not consistent with much of anything.
For the past 3 months, I have been consistent with exercise and with lifting weights. And then I went to Minneapolis for a weekend and threw my schedule even more out of wack. I knew I might get off track if I skipped a day.
I didn't think I would end up skipping 8 days. But I did. And I'm trying to move away from that and get back into a better rhythm. And it's almost as hard as it was back in April. Almost.
Here's the success, though: I feel better when I exercise. Running gives me a high. I've gone from celebrating one lap around the indoor track (1/8 of a mile! woohoo!) to celebrating 16 laps around that same track. TWO MILES. And I signed up for a 5k a couple months ago, laughing at the absurdity but this Saturday, I'll do it.
With my ill-timed week off, I'm doubting my ability to run all 3 miles of the race. Laura said she's not sure she can run all of it either. But we will try. And my goal is not to leave anything out there in that park. I'm going to do all that I can to finish as strong as I can. If I walk part, I walk part. That just means I'll have to try another one.
Anyway. It's RACE WEEK. And I need to shake a funk and celebrate that I've come this far.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
ok. 3 things & a goal...
Here's the focus for self-improvement right now:
1. Exercise: lifting weights 3 times a week, getting good cardio in 5 days a week.
2. Eat/drink healthier: drinking the right amount of water, eating food that is more nutricious than the processed fast food junk.
3. Maintaining a reasonable standard of cleanliness for my house: not being paranoid about unexpected visitors & letting them come into the house.
I feel like for normal people, these are not outrageous goals but if I'm not intentional about my focus, all three slip away so fast.
Tonight I'm going to focus on house cleaning. Hardcore. If I get brave, I'll post some before and after pictures. Truthfully, I fear judgement. We'll see.
AND... this is the goal I picked for myself last night while walking and running. By my birthday in the middle of August, I want to be able to run a mile without stopping to walk.
That sounds so silly and unhealthy that I can't even think of running a mile today without stopping. Last night I was proud because I ran a lap around the indoor track. That was 1/8 of a mile. I know for healthy people, running a mile probably seems like nothing but for me it will be an accomplishment. Maybe I'll work up to something more past then. I have no idea on a time length for this mile, and honestly, even if it's the world's slowest jog 4 times around an outdoor track, I'll still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I can tell some progress. The scale shows just a tiny loss, but my clothes are starting to feel baggy. Ah, hope... :)
1. Exercise: lifting weights 3 times a week, getting good cardio in 5 days a week.
2. Eat/drink healthier: drinking the right amount of water, eating food that is more nutricious than the processed fast food junk.
3. Maintaining a reasonable standard of cleanliness for my house: not being paranoid about unexpected visitors & letting them come into the house.
I feel like for normal people, these are not outrageous goals but if I'm not intentional about my focus, all three slip away so fast.
Tonight I'm going to focus on house cleaning. Hardcore. If I get brave, I'll post some before and after pictures. Truthfully, I fear judgement. We'll see.
AND... this is the goal I picked for myself last night while walking and running. By my birthday in the middle of August, I want to be able to run a mile without stopping to walk.
That sounds so silly and unhealthy that I can't even think of running a mile today without stopping. Last night I was proud because I ran a lap around the indoor track. That was 1/8 of a mile. I know for healthy people, running a mile probably seems like nothing but for me it will be an accomplishment. Maybe I'll work up to something more past then. I have no idea on a time length for this mile, and honestly, even if it's the world's slowest jog 4 times around an outdoor track, I'll still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I can tell some progress. The scale shows just a tiny loss, but my clothes are starting to feel baggy. Ah, hope... :)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
rawrrr!
Considering this past week, I'd give myself a solid B on effort as far as working out and eating better goes. Yesterday was a typical B sort of day.
I had planned to get up and hit the gym before going to work at 9. At 5:00, Haiku woke me up. It was raining but starting to turn to daylight and a cat's gotta eat. So I threw some food in his bowl and then went back to bed, knowing that it was a 5 in the morning sort of choice: get up crazy early or go back to sleep, fairly certain that the alarm would go off at 6:30 and I would be mid-dream, unwilling to get out of bed. I woke up again at 8:15-- just enough time to shower and head to work.
Monday is fancy coffee day in my world. I've switched to sugar free and skim in my latte, but I can't quit the coffee just yet. Since I was running late-ish, I grabbed a muffin at the coffeehouse instead of taking time to make breakfast at home. Boo.
I was a slacker at work. Funny how an early wake up and work out makes me more efficient the rest of the day. Without that, it's extra hard to be productive. After work, I headed home knowing I should go work out before settling in for the night. I was a rebel, though. I didn't want to sweat and have to shower.
The workout place closes at 8... it was close to 7 when, walking past a mirror, I caught my reflection. I was wearing my narwhal shirt that says "rawrrr" and that was enough... If I'm going to have a RAWRRR kind of life, I need a little more discipline. I need focus.
So I did a night workout instead. And it was late, but it was good. And even with the muffin and the sleeping in, I still think that's a B sort of day. I slept in again today, so that means after work I'll have to head to the Wellness Center and work out with the other after work worker outers.
Progress, though... right? Clothes are getting a bit baggy...and though my resolve wavers, I haven't given up yet. :)
I hope you have a RAWRRR kind of day!
I had planned to get up and hit the gym before going to work at 9. At 5:00, Haiku woke me up. It was raining but starting to turn to daylight and a cat's gotta eat. So I threw some food in his bowl and then went back to bed, knowing that it was a 5 in the morning sort of choice: get up crazy early or go back to sleep, fairly certain that the alarm would go off at 6:30 and I would be mid-dream, unwilling to get out of bed. I woke up again at 8:15-- just enough time to shower and head to work.
Monday is fancy coffee day in my world. I've switched to sugar free and skim in my latte, but I can't quit the coffee just yet. Since I was running late-ish, I grabbed a muffin at the coffeehouse instead of taking time to make breakfast at home. Boo.
I was a slacker at work. Funny how an early wake up and work out makes me more efficient the rest of the day. Without that, it's extra hard to be productive. After work, I headed home knowing I should go work out before settling in for the night. I was a rebel, though. I didn't want to sweat and have to shower.
The workout place closes at 8... it was close to 7 when, walking past a mirror, I caught my reflection. I was wearing my narwhal shirt that says "rawrrr" and that was enough... If I'm going to have a RAWRRR kind of life, I need a little more discipline. I need focus.
So I did a night workout instead. And it was late, but it was good. And even with the muffin and the sleeping in, I still think that's a B sort of day. I slept in again today, so that means after work I'll have to head to the Wellness Center and work out with the other after work worker outers.
Progress, though... right? Clothes are getting a bit baggy...and though my resolve wavers, I haven't given up yet. :)
I hope you have a RAWRRR kind of day!
Monday, June 7, 2010
accepting responsibility
I realized something this past week and it's rocked me to my core: I can't blame my parents anymore.
It's so easy to blame them. I have been shaped by their genetics and as a response to their parenting. I would be someone completely different if Mom wasn't Mom and Dad wasn't Dad. Three out of four grandparents had diabetes. Both of my great-grandmothers on my Dad's side of the family were obese. I know I have their genes.
And both Mom and Dad taught me as a child to turn to food as comfort and as a reward. At Dad's we ended most nights with a huge bowl of ice cream. At Mom's the snacks flowed freely and food was convenient, not always healthy.
While I would rather blame genetics and learned habits, the truth is I am 30. No matter what has brought me here, no matter what happened in my past, I am the one responsible for how I am today. I am old enough to see that when habits are not healthy, I have the opportunity to make different choices and to fight those habits.
I can't do anything about genetics except be aware of what I'm made of and fight like hell to postpone the diabetes and other health issues until I'm an old lady.
That said, I'm on a four day streak of eating reasonably healthy food. Other than a latte today, I haven't had caffeine for the past 3 days. I'm excited to throw blueberries on my salad tonight because I did that last night and it was super good.
Four days isn't much, but it's the beginning of better habits.
Now to head home to change into work out clothes and hit the gym. Tonight I will be brave enough to try the weight machines.
It's so easy to blame them. I have been shaped by their genetics and as a response to their parenting. I would be someone completely different if Mom wasn't Mom and Dad wasn't Dad. Three out of four grandparents had diabetes. Both of my great-grandmothers on my Dad's side of the family were obese. I know I have their genes.
And both Mom and Dad taught me as a child to turn to food as comfort and as a reward. At Dad's we ended most nights with a huge bowl of ice cream. At Mom's the snacks flowed freely and food was convenient, not always healthy.
While I would rather blame genetics and learned habits, the truth is I am 30. No matter what has brought me here, no matter what happened in my past, I am the one responsible for how I am today. I am old enough to see that when habits are not healthy, I have the opportunity to make different choices and to fight those habits.
I can't do anything about genetics except be aware of what I'm made of and fight like hell to postpone the diabetes and other health issues until I'm an old lady.
That said, I'm on a four day streak of eating reasonably healthy food. Other than a latte today, I haven't had caffeine for the past 3 days. I'm excited to throw blueberries on my salad tonight because I did that last night and it was super good.
Four days isn't much, but it's the beginning of better habits.
Now to head home to change into work out clothes and hit the gym. Tonight I will be brave enough to try the weight machines.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
groceries
yipee! i bought groceries tonight. i now have blueberries, a bunch of different colored peppers, bananas, wheat bagels, yogurt, and eggs!
i might actually cook for myself in my kitchen. that's all.
i might actually cook for myself in my kitchen. that's all.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
harsh
tonight my mom was talking about how she's ready to downsize from her house to an apartment or something smaller. she said she knows my brother and i don't think she'd be happy there.
i'm a jerk because without thinking, i replied, "you've never been happy with any place you've lived. why would that change now?"
and i think that's my fear. i fall into the american habit of always wishing for one more thing or focusing so much on what i want to or fear will happen next that i miss everything right in front of me.
the best days of my life so far hopefully felt like that in the moment. i really want to appreciate what i have when i have it instead of after it's gone.
this weekend is the first weekend i've been homesick for the des moines area. there were a few events going on down there that i wanted to go to. and i miss having friends that are close. i know this funk will pass but i'm pretty miserable at the moment. hopefully a visit from my brother will help. the newness of this new life is wearing off. and people are calling or posting to facebook from the old place.
i have no desire to visit the town i moved from. there were great people there, but all of that has been eclipsed by this dark, angry & bitter cloud. leaving was good and needed, but hard.
today was the first day i wondered if i am where i want to be. i do know i am where i need to be. i suppose there's some consolation in that.
i'm a jerk because without thinking, i replied, "you've never been happy with any place you've lived. why would that change now?"
and i think that's my fear. i fall into the american habit of always wishing for one more thing or focusing so much on what i want to or fear will happen next that i miss everything right in front of me.
the best days of my life so far hopefully felt like that in the moment. i really want to appreciate what i have when i have it instead of after it's gone.
this weekend is the first weekend i've been homesick for the des moines area. there were a few events going on down there that i wanted to go to. and i miss having friends that are close. i know this funk will pass but i'm pretty miserable at the moment. hopefully a visit from my brother will help. the newness of this new life is wearing off. and people are calling or posting to facebook from the old place.
i have no desire to visit the town i moved from. there were great people there, but all of that has been eclipsed by this dark, angry & bitter cloud. leaving was good and needed, but hard.
today was the first day i wondered if i am where i want to be. i do know i am where i need to be. i suppose there's some consolation in that.
Friday, May 28, 2010
cleaning & a poem i found
Maybe I've shared this on the internet before. I'm not sure if I posted it in a previous blog. I'm cleaning hardcore today. The game plan is to try to do 20 minutes of cleaning with 10 minute breaks. I know that seems like a lot of breaks, but I work in spurts. And at the end of the day, at least it will amount to something.
I need to come up with a laundry system, a place for a table and reorganize the kitchen. When I moved in, I just put stuff in cupboards to get everything out of sight. I'm finally ready to settle.
Okay. So here's the poem I found. I wrote it over a year ago and though I dig the sentiment, I'm not in that bitter post-break up stage anymore. Turns out I just felt it was a good poem and thought I'd put it out there.
post break up
when we untangled
that girl in the mirror without him
wasn't me.
that lonely creature
mourned a relationship
as though it had been alive.
like melding to him mattered more
than her sense of self
than her means to happy.
wound around him
forgetting to breathe on her own.
as though he were life support or even life
knowing more now
means craving a kind of companion
that leaves one's heart soul mind intact
those subtle accommodations
are fine for another time
but this girl won't forfeit herself without a fight
I need to come up with a laundry system, a place for a table and reorganize the kitchen. When I moved in, I just put stuff in cupboards to get everything out of sight. I'm finally ready to settle.
Okay. So here's the poem I found. I wrote it over a year ago and though I dig the sentiment, I'm not in that bitter post-break up stage anymore. Turns out I just felt it was a good poem and thought I'd put it out there.
post break up
when we untangled
that girl in the mirror without him
wasn't me.
that lonely creature
mourned a relationship
as though it had been alive.
like melding to him mattered more
than her sense of self
than her means to happy.
wound around him
forgetting to breathe on her own.
as though he were life support or even life
knowing more now
means craving a kind of companion
that leaves one's heart soul mind intact
those subtle accommodations
are fine for another time
but this girl won't forfeit herself without a fight
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
brun frogger
When I was a kid, I spent part of the summer out visiting my dad in Colorado. For 2-6 weeks (depending on the summer), it was my brother and I hanging out with each other while Dad did whatever. The perk was that Dad taught computer classes at school so he always borrowed a computer from the school during the summer. We played a lot of computer games.
The command to get a game to run on the Apple IIE (I'm dating myself here... I know) was BRUN followed by the name of the game. BRUN FROGGER. I typed that so many times. Nathan was more of a digdug fan. And then there was Cannonball Blitz, fun to try but we had no idea what we were doing. We never got very far on that one.
One summer day, Nathan did something that annoyed me. I don't remember what it was, but I was SO MAD. I wanted to call him the meanest thing ever. When I couldn't come up with anything mean, I decided to try to just confuse him. "You're a reggorf nurb!" I yelled.
REGGORF NURB = BRUN FROGGER backwards.
There's really no point to sharing this story except it's summer and I'm reminded of summer as a kid. Also, I think it's time someone typed BRUN SLAMB to get me started. I need to be rebooted, both with the blogging discipline and the whole clean up, organize a life kind of thing. I really don't want to be a REGGORF NURB.
The command to get a game to run on the Apple IIE (I'm dating myself here... I know) was BRUN followed by the name of the game. BRUN FROGGER. I typed that so many times. Nathan was more of a digdug fan. And then there was Cannonball Blitz, fun to try but we had no idea what we were doing. We never got very far on that one.
One summer day, Nathan did something that annoyed me. I don't remember what it was, but I was SO MAD. I wanted to call him the meanest thing ever. When I couldn't come up with anything mean, I decided to try to just confuse him. "You're a reggorf nurb!" I yelled.
REGGORF NURB = BRUN FROGGER backwards.
There's really no point to sharing this story except it's summer and I'm reminded of summer as a kid. Also, I think it's time someone typed BRUN SLAMB to get me started. I need to be rebooted, both with the blogging discipline and the whole clean up, organize a life kind of thing. I really don't want to be a REGGORF NURB.
Monday, April 26, 2010
1 thing that changed the way I chase dreams.
(This just seemed to fit what I'm trying to get at with my own blog. And it's totally lazy just to link to someone else's blog. I get that. But it's raining. And I'm obsessing over newsletter stuff today, so I'll be back to blog soonish.)
1 thing that changed the way I chase dreams.
Posted using ShareThis
1 thing that changed the way I chase dreams.
Posted using ShareThis
Monday, April 12, 2010
motivation v. discipline
I need to change my mindset. Or I need to talk to more go-get-'em kind of people and find out how they do everything they do. I find it so hard to get started. Once I'm in the middle of something, having a strong work ethic is a little less elusive, but taking that first step is the hardest.
Sometimes I try the game of giving myself just 1 or 2 things I have to do during the day. Yesterday it was to clean the bathroom and clean the filter for the vacuum cleaner. Both jobs together took only about 30 minutes but the first required finding the cleaning supplies in the mess of bags and boxes from the move. The second part-- that stupid vacuum filter-- always results in me sneezing for a good hour or so and it's just gross to see all the dust, cat fur & hair that accumulates from vacuuming.
Some part of me longs to be one of those people that can attack a to-do list with a vengeance. I think it would be awesome to be efficient and get so much done in so little time. That doesn't come naturally to me at all. Is that a natural thing for other people?
A college prof/friend once told me that he thought I waited for inspiration and motivation to strike when I should be pursuing discipline. He was right. I don't know if that's a part of my personality I can change or if I'm doomed to constantly annoy myself with the rush of adrenaline that comes from procrastinating right up to a deadline.
I need to try to fight that. I need to continue to pursue some healthy rhythms and get settled in a routine.
No more excuses...even if they're clever.
(Of course typing that and implementing that are so very, very different.)
Sometimes I try the game of giving myself just 1 or 2 things I have to do during the day. Yesterday it was to clean the bathroom and clean the filter for the vacuum cleaner. Both jobs together took only about 30 minutes but the first required finding the cleaning supplies in the mess of bags and boxes from the move. The second part-- that stupid vacuum filter-- always results in me sneezing for a good hour or so and it's just gross to see all the dust, cat fur & hair that accumulates from vacuuming.
Some part of me longs to be one of those people that can attack a to-do list with a vengeance. I think it would be awesome to be efficient and get so much done in so little time. That doesn't come naturally to me at all. Is that a natural thing for other people?
A college prof/friend once told me that he thought I waited for inspiration and motivation to strike when I should be pursuing discipline. He was right. I don't know if that's a part of my personality I can change or if I'm doomed to constantly annoy myself with the rush of adrenaline that comes from procrastinating right up to a deadline.
I need to try to fight that. I need to continue to pursue some healthy rhythms and get settled in a routine.
No more excuses...even if they're clever.
(Of course typing that and implementing that are so very, very different.)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
instant is for oatmeal...even that takes time
I had my first "weekend" while working in as long as I can remember. New job means new schedule and most weeks, I'm going to get to take Friday and Saturday off. This time I had a lengthy mental list of what I wanted to get done. I'm feeling a little defeated tonight and I'll admit I didn't get done all that I had hoped.
I'm going to try to focus on accomplishment. Maybe positive reinforcement will work?
I did make a trip to the laundromat. It was a little intimidating, but 4 loads of laundry & a roll of quarters later, I have clean sheets, towels and clothes to wear. I also have resolved to treat the absence of a washer and dryer in this little house as a twisted blessing. There are times it's going to be so annoying to not be able to throw in a some clothes, especially if I spill or if I want a particular item of clothing. Doing laundry outside my house will give me the opportunity to interact with people in the ommunity that I might not normally see. It's ministry if I use the time there as an intentional outreach.
It's a silly story, but the pop machine at this one was broken and I took that as a prompt to do a good deed. Another woman who was a few years behind me in high school was doing laundry and she mentioned that it was warm and she was thirsty. I told her I was going to walk over to Kmart and asked if she wanted anything. She gave me a dollar and I brought her back a Mountain Dew. I share this not to brag or be all "look at me; I did a good deed" but mostly as a reminder that we can help people in tiny ways and maybe that changes their mood or brightens their day.
I also washed some dishes and picked up a little bit. That's small, but considering I didn't want to do ANYTHING, I'll take the small changes I made. Cooking in my kitchen for the first time felt huge.
Tonight I need to make my bed. I slept on the couch last night because I felt too tired to put on sheets & the freshly laundered bedspread. It was a mistake. I woke up cold and achey... that was a big change I wanted to make in this house. I want to sleep in a bed and not on the couch in front of a tv. Last night reminded me of that.
Anyway, this is rambly. I need to stop. I'm watching the rest of Girl, Interrupted (Winona Ryder movie marathon all weekend... I've got most of them which maybe is owning up to an obsession?) and then I'm going to head to bed early. So far the new job is great, by the way. I'm looking forward to church tomorrow. It's been a bit since I could say that truthfully.
I'm going to try to focus on accomplishment. Maybe positive reinforcement will work?
I did make a trip to the laundromat. It was a little intimidating, but 4 loads of laundry & a roll of quarters later, I have clean sheets, towels and clothes to wear. I also have resolved to treat the absence of a washer and dryer in this little house as a twisted blessing. There are times it's going to be so annoying to not be able to throw in a some clothes, especially if I spill or if I want a particular item of clothing. Doing laundry outside my house will give me the opportunity to interact with people in the ommunity that I might not normally see. It's ministry if I use the time there as an intentional outreach.
It's a silly story, but the pop machine at this one was broken and I took that as a prompt to do a good deed. Another woman who was a few years behind me in high school was doing laundry and she mentioned that it was warm and she was thirsty. I told her I was going to walk over to Kmart and asked if she wanted anything. She gave me a dollar and I brought her back a Mountain Dew. I share this not to brag or be all "look at me; I did a good deed" but mostly as a reminder that we can help people in tiny ways and maybe that changes their mood or brightens their day.
I also washed some dishes and picked up a little bit. That's small, but considering I didn't want to do ANYTHING, I'll take the small changes I made. Cooking in my kitchen for the first time felt huge.
Tonight I need to make my bed. I slept on the couch last night because I felt too tired to put on sheets & the freshly laundered bedspread. It was a mistake. I woke up cold and achey... that was a big change I wanted to make in this house. I want to sleep in a bed and not on the couch in front of a tv. Last night reminded me of that.
Anyway, this is rambly. I need to stop. I'm watching the rest of Girl, Interrupted (Winona Ryder movie marathon all weekend... I've got most of them which maybe is owning up to an obsession?) and then I'm going to head to bed early. So far the new job is great, by the way. I'm looking forward to church tomorrow. It's been a bit since I could say that truthfully.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
HUGE observation
I've been reading the curriculum used with the confirmation class here. I've also started the book that the pastor and I will be reading together. The curriculum is CRC stuff. The book is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Both fed into my newly remembered realization: God is so much bigger than I remember.
I love the Kevin Smith idea of God being played by Alanis Morisette and enjoying skeeball. I have enjoyed watching people debate God's gender. I've sung along with Veggie Tales: God is bigger than the boogie man. But all of those limit God in ways that don't apply.
With a skeeball God, it's a character named God. I doubt Kev would even say it's more than that. Gender applies to fathomable creatures like a dog or cat or narwhal. And God being bigger than the boogie man is so silly because God is SO MUCH bigger than anything I can comprehend. I have to admit the biggest realization for me in reading these books and thinking these thoughts: God is not a punchline.
Don't get worried. I'm not going to become this super serious "Christian" type who has no sense of humor when it comes to religion or church stuff or even some sacred things. Nor is every post here going to be directly about ministry or even about religious stuff. Or they all will be because that's the framework that comes with understanding me at all. Here's what I'm trying to get at: I am remembering, though, the love that drew me to God, to church and to youth ministry.
The other thought that piggybacks on this takes me back to a conversation I had once with a friend's father. I was trying to decide which job to apply for and what my calling was. The man's advice was to do what I most wanted to do. Follow my passion. He said it didn't matter much which I chose as long as I cared about what I did. "God will be glorified regardless of your job title and independent from you."
God is so many things and I don't get to pick which apply. All the attributes (confirmation vocab word, there) of God are named by God. I'm too finite to even comprehend...
As Francis Chan writes, "Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate?"
I love the Kevin Smith idea of God being played by Alanis Morisette and enjoying skeeball. I have enjoyed watching people debate God's gender. I've sung along with Veggie Tales: God is bigger than the boogie man. But all of those limit God in ways that don't apply.
With a skeeball God, it's a character named God. I doubt Kev would even say it's more than that. Gender applies to fathomable creatures like a dog or cat or narwhal. And God being bigger than the boogie man is so silly because God is SO MUCH bigger than anything I can comprehend. I have to admit the biggest realization for me in reading these books and thinking these thoughts: God is not a punchline.
Don't get worried. I'm not going to become this super serious "Christian" type who has no sense of humor when it comes to religion or church stuff or even some sacred things. Nor is every post here going to be directly about ministry or even about religious stuff. Or they all will be because that's the framework that comes with understanding me at all. Here's what I'm trying to get at: I am remembering, though, the love that drew me to God, to church and to youth ministry.
The other thought that piggybacks on this takes me back to a conversation I had once with a friend's father. I was trying to decide which job to apply for and what my calling was. The man's advice was to do what I most wanted to do. Follow my passion. He said it didn't matter much which I chose as long as I cared about what I did. "God will be glorified regardless of your job title and independent from you."
God is so many things and I don't get to pick which apply. All the attributes (confirmation vocab word, there) of God are named by God. I'm too finite to even comprehend...
As Francis Chan writes, "Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate?"
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
moved and unsettled
I have some work to do on the new place, but all of my stuff is here. I've worked a few days at the new job-- enough to get a sense that good things are coming. This tentative getting used to a big change thing is still tiring, but I'm trying to savor the time before bigger commitments hit.
Probably the coolest, unexpected thing so far is the closeness to my mom. I imagine we'll get along fairly well and it seems both of us are enjoying having the other one in town. Interesting.
Unfortunately for the moment, I've got way more thoughts than words. I don't want to make a vague "I'll be better, blogger... I swear I'll come visit EVERY DAY" promise, but honestly, check back. I'll find words and use them in surprising ways.
But now, rest... tomorrow is the first youth group night and I'm excited to meet the kids and worried that I get sleepy around 8... must be alert and energetic. Adrenaline will kick in.
Night, y'all.
Probably the coolest, unexpected thing so far is the closeness to my mom. I imagine we'll get along fairly well and it seems both of us are enjoying having the other one in town. Interesting.
Unfortunately for the moment, I've got way more thoughts than words. I don't want to make a vague "I'll be better, blogger... I swear I'll come visit EVERY DAY" promise, but honestly, check back. I'll find words and use them in surprising ways.
But now, rest... tomorrow is the first youth group night and I'm excited to meet the kids and worried that I get sleepy around 8... must be alert and energetic. Adrenaline will kick in.
Night, y'all.
Friday, March 26, 2010
checking in
things i realize i'm going to appreciate about being back in this town:
1.) running into my favorite high school teacher at the store.
2.) FAMILY TABLE!
3.) the familiar site of the water tower... silly?
4.) the sound of the train going through.
this weekend is for anticipation. next monday is for finishing up. this move was the right move to make even though i'm surprised at how long and difficult it feels as though it's been. i remind myself: you lived there like a slob for 5 years. why did you think moving out would go so quickly?
(thanks to the random neighbor with unprotected wireless. i might use you for a few weeks then i'll get my own. promise.)
1.) running into my favorite high school teacher at the store.
2.) FAMILY TABLE!
3.) the familiar site of the water tower... silly?
4.) the sound of the train going through.
this weekend is for anticipation. next monday is for finishing up. this move was the right move to make even though i'm surprised at how long and difficult it feels as though it's been. i remind myself: you lived there like a slob for 5 years. why did you think moving out would go so quickly?
(thanks to the random neighbor with unprotected wireless. i might use you for a few weeks then i'll get my own. promise.)
THERE WAS A RACCOON!!!
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This morning has not started as planned. I told my mom last night that I would try to leave by 10. It is 10 right now and of course I'm not ready to leave. I slept in later than I intended (7 instead of 5:30) and looking at all that I have left, I know I'm being optimistic when I predict 3 p.m. as my final departure time.
But here's what really threw me: there was a raccoon in my stairwell!
Let that sink in. I opened the top door and discovered the door at the bottom was wide open. I must not have closed it all the way after leaving last night. (The top door was closed though.) Ugh. Anyway, I went out the top door this morning and came face to face with a RACCOON. I chased him down the stairs and outside which I know freaked him out.
I just watched them corral him/her. The raccoon will be released out in nature somewhere. I'm still freaking out. Not good to have an hour or so taken out of a busy day. This is a metaphor for something I'm sure.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
on leaving
Leaving a church to go work at another church feels like a breakup. I lost count of how many people said "We'll still be friends. We've got facebook." The intentions are sweet, but some sort of disengagement is necessary in order to be open and free to fall in place with another congregation.
Just now while packing up some more things, I've been texting back and forth with one of the youth I'm leaving behind. She is one of the kids I got closest to and while I'm incredibly curious about the changes made to the youth program, I also wonder if it would be better not to know.
I owned that program. I let the youth have some say in how things went but when it came down to policies and limits, everything was pretty much my decision. While it was a gradual taking over control, the loss of that control is so sudden. It's very weird to still be in town and to be receiving text messages from a few blocks away.
That's part of the flaw in this poorly executed move. I'd like to think if I could go back and re-do the last few weeks, I'd have packed and prepped to leave so I could be out the door on that last day. Realistically, though, that wouldn't have been possible. I needed my energy for goodbyes. My energy is dwindling now. Which is not great. I still have several boxes and mucho cleaning to get done before tomorrow around noon.
The thing I keep reminding myself is that the ministry I did in this town was never my ministry. Many in the congregation and even the leaders fed into my ownership of it, but it went too far. The youth ministry became synonymous with Sara. And that led to me forcing my vision on the programming. Some good came out of it-- don't read this as all negative. But it will be interesting to see how the church continues to reach out to the community youth. I truly hope they learned something from the past few years, too. I pray that their next youth worker doesn't end up burnt out from being the sole consistent person in the lives of the youth.
I see a tendency for churches to fall into the trap where they consider financial capability as the key to determine if they can afford a full time youth worker. I wish they would look beyond that at spiritual and volunteer resources, too. When a congregation is primarily made up of an older generation, it's really hard to develop a volunteer base that can meet with kids during the kids' free time.
I know that in my next position, I'm going to seek the vision of the congregation. I'm going to remind them and remind myself constantly that I'm there to equip, aid and direct. Yes, I will be an active participant but the team aspect is essential.
Oh, growth... why do you come so much better from hurt and pain?
Just now while packing up some more things, I've been texting back and forth with one of the youth I'm leaving behind. She is one of the kids I got closest to and while I'm incredibly curious about the changes made to the youth program, I also wonder if it would be better not to know.
I owned that program. I let the youth have some say in how things went but when it came down to policies and limits, everything was pretty much my decision. While it was a gradual taking over control, the loss of that control is so sudden. It's very weird to still be in town and to be receiving text messages from a few blocks away.
That's part of the flaw in this poorly executed move. I'd like to think if I could go back and re-do the last few weeks, I'd have packed and prepped to leave so I could be out the door on that last day. Realistically, though, that wouldn't have been possible. I needed my energy for goodbyes. My energy is dwindling now. Which is not great. I still have several boxes and mucho cleaning to get done before tomorrow around noon.
The thing I keep reminding myself is that the ministry I did in this town was never my ministry. Many in the congregation and even the leaders fed into my ownership of it, but it went too far. The youth ministry became synonymous with Sara. And that led to me forcing my vision on the programming. Some good came out of it-- don't read this as all negative. But it will be interesting to see how the church continues to reach out to the community youth. I truly hope they learned something from the past few years, too. I pray that their next youth worker doesn't end up burnt out from being the sole consistent person in the lives of the youth.
I see a tendency for churches to fall into the trap where they consider financial capability as the key to determine if they can afford a full time youth worker. I wish they would look beyond that at spiritual and volunteer resources, too. When a congregation is primarily made up of an older generation, it's really hard to develop a volunteer base that can meet with kids during the kids' free time.
I know that in my next position, I'm going to seek the vision of the congregation. I'm going to remind them and remind myself constantly that I'm there to equip, aid and direct. Yes, I will be an active participant but the team aspect is essential.
Oh, growth... why do you come so much better from hurt and pain?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
starting over... sorta
When I was in 4th grade I remember thinking that a good day was one where I remembered to zip my coat, wore chapstick so my lips wouldn't be dry, had a good hair day and well-painted fingernails. That was my idea of having it all together.
At 30, I don't have as concrete an idea of how I want to present myself to the world. I do know I'm tired of pretenses. I want to be authentic, I want to have integrity and I want to live a lifestyle of hospitality. The past few years I've failed at this.
The apartment I'm currently working on packing up and cleaning out has been a fortress of solitude and a shrine for excessive consumerism. I built this persona of openness but was terrified that anyone would actually get up the stairs and through the door. I have been a mess both in living space and brain structure.
I have been selfish in sharing my living space with friends and the community. I have been lazy when it comes to housekeeping-- and not in a "oh, I didn't put my shoes neatly by the door" but in major ways. Television became the main source of my entertainment. I let facebook take the place of quality friendships with face to face contact. I justified my hermit ways with words like introvert, recharge and sabbath but didn't actually use time alone for any sort of renewal.
This blog is my attempt to re-embrace life. My brother told me the 30s are the new 20s. I'm not sure if that's true, but I do know that if this decade is going to be memorable in the good way, it's time for some drastic changes in lifestyle. This move is both real and symbolic. I don't need a do-over because I've learned a lot from everything that has brought me to this moment. And finally, there is hope again.
But now, back to apartment cleaning. I'm trying not to be mad at old me but new me is very annoyed that I'm still here cleaning instead of being settled into the little house in my new town.
At 30, I don't have as concrete an idea of how I want to present myself to the world. I do know I'm tired of pretenses. I want to be authentic, I want to have integrity and I want to live a lifestyle of hospitality. The past few years I've failed at this.
The apartment I'm currently working on packing up and cleaning out has been a fortress of solitude and a shrine for excessive consumerism. I built this persona of openness but was terrified that anyone would actually get up the stairs and through the door. I have been a mess both in living space and brain structure.
I have been selfish in sharing my living space with friends and the community. I have been lazy when it comes to housekeeping-- and not in a "oh, I didn't put my shoes neatly by the door" but in major ways. Television became the main source of my entertainment. I let facebook take the place of quality friendships with face to face contact. I justified my hermit ways with words like introvert, recharge and sabbath but didn't actually use time alone for any sort of renewal.
This blog is my attempt to re-embrace life. My brother told me the 30s are the new 20s. I'm not sure if that's true, but I do know that if this decade is going to be memorable in the good way, it's time for some drastic changes in lifestyle. This move is both real and symbolic. I don't need a do-over because I've learned a lot from everything that has brought me to this moment. And finally, there is hope again.
But now, back to apartment cleaning. I'm trying not to be mad at old me but new me is very annoyed that I'm still here cleaning instead of being settled into the little house in my new town.
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